30 Days of Thankfulness-Thinking about the Past
On Facebook, it’s the season to post your 30 days of thankfulness. You may be tired of reading them or maybe you feel a little more grateful, but I have another post of thankfulness. This one has to do with my miscarrying the first time I was pregnant. I know the title of this post might be a little shocking, but hear me out.
On a Friday, around week 9, my husband and I went to our ob/gyn for an ultrasound and when I noticed the look on her face, I knew that what had consumed our thoughts for a few weeks would be changing again. While not a spontaneous abortion, I did have a blighted ovum. It didn’t matter what it was though. All the swirling thoughts and emotions that come with an anticipated baby suddenly shifted and I was left driving home sobbing and heart-broken.
Pain Exists for a Reason
I’m a fairly rational and controlled person and I thought I could mentally muscle my way through the flood of emotions that accompanied the sudden change in physical status. But…it didn”t happen that way. My husband and I went to Austin that weekend to get away and that is when my shoulder pain started. Since college, my left shoulder tenses up whenever I’m stressed. In this case, my shoulder had not only started to tense up, but it was so tight that it was visibly a couple of inches higher than my other shoulder. I.just.couldn’t.let.go. Every day, my shoulder seemed to get tighter and more painful. I literally could not breathe without wincing or cringing.
I was already seeing my chiropractor regularly, but at this point, I need something more. I started going in twice a week online casino canada to visit Dr. B. His office is nothing fancy; it’s just him, his table and his hands. I remember one visit where I was lying face down on the table and I was crying because the acupressure points he was applying hurt so bad, but at the same time were giving me relief. My visits were beneficial and did give relief, but it wasn”t until I was in my bedroom folding clothes one afternoon that I remember crossing the threshold. Alone in the house, I had a Beyonce c.d. turned up really loud and I started singing at the top of my lungs. It was singing her song, moving the air through my body and letting go that allowed me to feel open. It literally changed something inside me. As simply as I can describe it, it was letting go. Thank you, Beyonce.
Fast-forward over two years later and I’m still visiting Dr. B weekly, but my shoulder pain is completely managed. When it does flair up it is because I’m either getting sick or something stressful is going on, BUT the pain has never returned to the state it was then. I am thankful for the caring and chiropractic hands of Dr. B. And, even though it was incredibly painful in many ways, I am thankful for having lost that first pregnancy. Perhaps that sounds a little odd or even wrong, but I think about that experience and often wonder why I went through it. I don’t quite have an answer except I feel that it gives me a better sense of empathy for other women and families who have lost their pregnancies. I have spoken to women who have never been pregnant before and they can’t understand why their sister/friend/cousin/etc. is still grieving when she lost the baby X weeks/months ago. I think the loss gave me a unique perspective on the mental and emotional changes that can arrive so swiftly in our lives.
Of course this post didn”t start out the way I intended. I was planning to only focus on the healing hands of my awesome local chiropractor, but I realized that having that miscarriage changed my lens slightly. That experience allowed me to see myself in a very vulnerable state while also moving through it with adjustment, discussion, singing, and empathy for other women who have or had gone through the same thing.
Maybe you need to turn the music up really loud and let something go, too. Have you had a heartbreaking experience that you are thankful for?
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